


Follow You Down

by ItsYaBoiKeith (PetalsAndPurity)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Jeith and Curtashi is endgame, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Pining James Griffin (Voltron), Self-Harm, Unreliable Narrator, probably, sorry sheith I do love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 08:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetalsAndPurity/pseuds/ItsYaBoiKeith
Summary: We’d sat before the ocean, feeling very much like we were on the edge of the earth, the cold breath of the winter breeze brushing through our hair, listening to the whisper, the hiss of the sea. It was as though we were standing on the edge of eternity, the abyss of greys and blues and everything we couldn’t reach stretching before us.





	Follow You Down

**Author's Note:**

> (TW: Keith uses a form of self harm in this fic - please be careful. If you need to ask me about anything my tumblr link will be in the end notes! <3)
> 
> I'll be honest, guys, I was a bit hesitant posting this, but I've been working in and out of this fic for months and I'm kinda proud of how it's written, so I've managed to convince myself to post it anyway.
> 
> I just wanted to say though that even though I love Sheith, it isn't the endgame in this fic! I was in a really angsty mood when I wrote this so if you're looking for a happy sheith ending it might be best to skip this fic out. I'll write a happy Sheith one-shot (with a crap ton of fluff) at some point to make up for this emotional mess. I hope you enjoy anyway! :)
> 
> (Oh, and it's written in James's POV)
> 
> Title of the fic is named after Lights' song, Follow You Down. It fits the fic pretty well so check that song out if you like!

It had started with a late night training session. Keith was usually seen in the training hall in the dead of night, fighting his way through his insomnia, turning his muscles weary and sweating out any thoughts or worries that kept his mind so constantly busy that he could never find rest. Shiro didn't want him to be alone, not after such a harsh mission had left a few fighter pilots dead. I'd heard them bickering in the halls, late one night, of: 'no, Shiro, you need to _sleep_ , everyone needs their captain in his best shape' and 'unless you want to go to bed too, I'm coming with you.'

Keith had never mentioned to me how it had happened, but it was Shiro that had made the first move. It was always Shiro, because Keith didn't _understand_ love, not after being deprived of it and spending the majority of his life in solitude.

I'd like to think they were sitting in the room after Keith had inevitably beat Shiro (whether he had let Keith win, or Keith had actually beat him, one could never know), his luminescent, glistening skin pink as he pinned Shiro to the ground in a hold Shiro could easily break. Acting solely on instinct, as always, Keith would lock their lips together, and when the thought of the consequences of his actions finally flashed across his mind, he pulled away, scared he did something wrong, but Shiro would simply pull him back in. I'd like to think the scene was romantic. 

When they had come to the dining hall for breakfast the next morning, with red lips and pink cheeks the whisper of a smile on Keith's face, whilst Shiro had a restrained smile on his, his eyes glistening almost like they were dancing, everyone could guess what had happened between them. 

There were no words, but there needn't be. Even my team, who had heard rumours of the two, but had never known the two personally until they'd returned to earth, knew exactly what had happened. Shiro and Keith had always been inseparable, so close their their relationship had become an impenetrable force, so it wasn't a surprise when they had tied the know, had become the closest that one could be.

I had always found myself jealous of what they had, of how close they both were. But, if Keith was happy, I urged myself to be happy, too.

-

Keith was Shiro's greatest strength. Shiro was a force to be reckoned with if you so much as harmed a hair on his head. A fleeting thought or encouragement from Keith in battle and Shiro became a force to be reckoned with. He was a strong leader, even stronger with his right-hand man fighting his every corner, following him and urging him forwards every step of the way. It was as though Keith was Shiro's reason to fight, to _live_. 

And for a while, he was.

But for Keith, Shiro was his greatest weakness. What was once a stoic and articulate weapon, who fought with each movement with such fire and precision that each second wasted in battle with him was _deadly_ , became a reckless, self-sacrificial bundle of emotions. Shiro made Keith realise with it was to love, and be loved, and he couldn't cope. He didn't know how to handle such feelings, such emotions that he'd been suppressing for so long, ever since he was a child. 

It had all started with a late-night training session, yes, but it had all ended with a morning game of truth-or-dare. 

It was a rare day of rest in the Atlas, and for once the rest of my teams and the Paladins had some time to kill together. We were in one of the leisure rooms, with Keith sitting in Shiro's lap, whilst I was sat on the floor between Pidge and Lance, just opposite of the black and red paladins. 

I found myself constantly distracted by the rare, but no less beautiful smile on Keith's face. Though it was still a rarity, he did smile more than often, now. It had made me so happy to see him laugh and smile for once, to break out of those walls he'd built around himself years ago. He was so full of life, for once, and the way he looked at Shiro, with such devotion, made my heart melt and my stomach twist into knots. Shiro looked at Keith with an adoration and happiness that I could never say, even now, knowing what I do, that Shiro couldn't have at some point been in love.

Nadia had made the game, claiming it was going to be 'fun' and way more exciting than Kinkade's idea of watching a film. She'd written down the dares and truths, putting a bunch of truth's into Keith's helmet, and a bunch of dares into a commander's satchel. I'd learnt him to be Curtis, who Nadia had dragged along. 

She'd stolen an empty bottle from the kitchens and placed it in the middle of the circle we'd made. Pidge adn Lance were the only ones equally as excited as Nadia. Shiro seemed to only be going along with it because everyone, especially Keith, had begged him to stay and relax too. Allura and Romelle were both equally inquisitive, excited to learn the rules so that they could teach Coran, because apparently he'd love to play one day when he had some time off, too.

Everyone else was equally nervous, especially the rest of the MFE's. Of course, we all knew what Nadia was like. Though, none of us had quite realised how destructive the game would truly be.

“Now,” she began. “If you _don’t_ do the dare you were meant to, you will have to face punishment, okay?”  


“What if we don’t do the punishment either?” Keith questioned with a raised brow. I folded my arms and nodded in agreement. 

“What, scared of a little game, Mullet?” Lance jabbed at Keith.

"No!" Keith huffed, folding his arms. 

"There aren’t gonna be any _seriously_ bad punishments, anyway," Nadia cut through.

“There better not be,” Shiro, the voice of reason, spoke up because none of us believed her.

For a while, the truth and dares were childish, like any other harmless game. It ranged from Lance having to run down the halls in just his underwear, singing some kind of nursery rhyme (and even I had to let out a laugh when he’d ran straight into Iverson and Veronica), to Hunk squirming as Pidge had to lick his ear, whining about how this was a dare for her just as much as it was for him. They began to grow less and less childish with every turn, however. I’d had to give Kinkade a lap dance, and I was just thankful it was him, a life-long friend, rather than a superior like Curtis and Shiro, and slightly disappointed it wasn’t Keith.

Curtis had flat out refused to say who his crush was, resulting in Nadia trying her best to guess who it was whilst he tried not to vomit taking the punishment of eating some disgusting Altean delicacy she had stolen from the kitchens.

Soon, Nadia had plucked out the last dare, not even spinning the bottle first. She just opened it right up, much to everyone’s confusion. 

“Aren’t you gonna decide who does it?” Keith asked, arms folded. The bottle had rarely landed on him, and when it had, Shiro mostly opted that it was pointed more to him. It was sweet, really, because Keith quite obviously didn’t want to take part in _any_ of the dares, or telling any truths.

Nadia raised a single finger to Keith, prying it open with her other hand, a smirk appearing on her face.

“This dare is a little different, and I’m glad that it’s the last.”

“What is it?” I’d muttered with folded arms, seeing the mischievous glint in her eye.

“To kiss someone, _with tongue,_ ” Nadia’s smirk turned malicious and devious. Or maybe that was something I imagine it had been, knowing what I do now.

She spun the bottle, and it landed on Curtis. 

Nadia’s smirk fell a little, but she shrugged and spun it again. “So, Curtis with…”

We all watched the bottle spin with wide eyes. It fell on both Shiro and Keith. Keith shrunk back a little, biting his lip. 

All too quickly (or maybe it was just me imagining it again) Shiro had claimed it was closer to him. He’d taken a glance back at Keith, who gave him an all-too wide smile, before shifting Keith off of his lap.

There was nervous laughter all round, because we all _knew_ that Keith and Shiro were together, and yet no one spoke out to say that it was wrong. Shiro had opened his mouth, probably to object, but he’d closed it again before he could say anything.

The closer Shiro and Curtis got, the more Keith’s gaze drifted. He kept a cracking smile upon his features, but I could see him, see how much this was truly upsetting him. How his eyes were far too shiny, the corner of his lips trembling as he retreated more and more into himself, the more and more Curtis and Shiro got closer.

I can’t even remember how the two looked; I was transfixed by the imploding red paladin before me, silently smouldering and crumbling.

I imagine it was awkward, blushed faces and soft lips, warm breaths and the distant lingering taste of someone else.

It was probably nothing like the late-night kiss he’d shared with Keith, but for some reason, Shiro must have thought it was more enticing. 

I’m not sure if they really took as long as it had felt to the rest of us, but we’d all decided to call it a night soon after. Keith had retreated to the training hall, not even glancing to Shiro to see if he was joining him.

Shiro had left him there.

-

As Shiro and Curtis got closer, still claiming to be friends and nothing more, Keith drifted. He barely spoke, barely left the training room, always claiming that he needed the practise, denying anyone’s claims that he’d been there too long. 

I had snuck down to the training halls one night, when sleep refused to take me and I’d thought to try out Keith’s method of tiring himself out training first. I’d heard whispers coming from Shiro’s room on my way down the hall. I listened close, hearing the hushed voice of Shiro, and the endearing, subtle laugh of Curtis. They sounded happy.

A distant shatter and a cry sounded.

I’d rushed to the training hall, where it had come from, and as I stepped inside, my heart broke.

Keith was being pounded by one of the training bots, the robot battering him with the pole they held, each thud and whimper completely nauseating. 

“E-End training sequence!” I stuttered, and the robot had stopped. Keith had curled in on himself, his form shaking and tugging at his onyx hair. 

I’d said nothing and simply knelt down besides him, watching the blood dribble from the corner of his lips. I eased him to sit up, pried his shaking hands gently from his face, checking the wounds.

The bruises were like splattered ink on his body, the tears mingling with the blood on face, turning them pink and causing the stains to streak down his cheeks. 

I daren’t have looked him in the eye, or Keith wouldn’t have been the only one that would have taken a beating that night, superior or not.

I imagine now that his eyes, that usually sparkled very much like the galaxy he’d come so familiar with, were simply voids of smouldering darkness, surrounded by red veins, like cracks in the most delicate of china. 

I’d rushed to grab the first aid kit always kept in the training room for emergencies, coming back to find Keith simply staring emotionlessly into nothingness. The only way I knew that he was even _alive_ was the ragged rise and fall of his chest with every rattling, pained breath.

“I heard them,” Keith had uttered as I wrapped a bandage around his bleeding arm. He was still slumped against the wall, legs sprawled out in front of him. He wouldn’t move. I guess he didn’t see the point. “I heard Shiro say he loved him.”

Shiro hadn’t cheated on Keith, though at the time with what fragmented information I’d been given, I had thought it, and was ready to burst into the room and clock the captain in the face, no matter the consequences. No, Keith had told me the morning after I’d found him in the training hall, when he’d woken up with a clearer mind in my bed, as I’d sat on the floor, propped up against it, fighting the rage smothering my conscience, that Lance had broken up with him a weak ago. They’d kept it on the down low, waiting for the right moment to break it to everyone.

Shiro had decided it was best they stayed friends, claiming how he didn’t want to destroy their close bond with each other with a relationship that would inevitably fail; that Keith was too important to him to lose to a relationship.

Shiro hadn’t seen much hope in love. After losing Adam to the war, he had been so scared to lose someone else important to him, to get too close. Especially to someone who put their life on the line on the daily, like Keith. Who meant so much to Shiro, who he owed his life to. And besides, like the seasons change, so do people and their feelings. It couldn’t be helped.

Shiro had said he didn't want to destroy their bond, but in reality, he unknowingly tore it to pieces. Tore Keith to pieces.

-

Keith was broken. 

I’d spoken to Shiro out of concern, because there no longer wasn’t a night that Keith wasn’t training, that I didn’t find him in the morning asleep on the floor, bruises marring his pale skin. Though he no longer loved Keith, he still cared for him, and soon the training halls became locked at night. Still, Keith always found a way to train, whether it be from fighting his pillow, or whoever dared cross him in the halls. From me, to Lance, to even _Hunk_ and Kinkade, his words grew venomous and his punches grew harsher. Whilst Hunk and Kinkade turned heel and ran at the first sign of conflict, Lance and I would stay, hold him until he had no choice but to stop, until he sobbed and collapsed, his haphazardly taped together pieces falling apart once more.

I found myself unable to sleep. I couldn’t rest easy knowing that Keith was sitting alone, facing the darkness and the chilling, most likely sleepless nights, alone by himself, but I was afraid to approach him. After all, we had once been enemies. One accidental slip of the tongue on my side and we were tussling on the ground in a mess of poorly aimed punches and childish screams. I’d made it up to him upon his return to earth, and he knew that the comment was merely a projection of my own family, who had never supported me, who I’d just wanted to make proud, but still, those memories probably stuck with Keith, even to today. Would he really want to console in the boy that made fun of his dead parents?

After another night of desperately seeking out sleep, but not being able to find it, I heard the distant sound of boots thudding on metal, coming from the hall, pacing back and forth. I cautiously made my way out, following the sound to in front of the training hall, where Keith paced, clawing at his arms like he was trying to shed away from his skin, his breath coming in short spurts.

“Keith,” I mumbled. “What are you - are you okay?”

Keith snapped round, eyes glinting viciously in the low light. “Go away, James! Just leave me alone!”

“Keith, talk to me-“ I stepped forward, cut off by a shove back.

Keith was like a dying star, edging towards a supernova, an explosion so great that the whole atlas would probably feel the impact. I approached with caution, hands lifted to show I meant no harm. Keith backed up against the wall like a scared animal, the time bomb ticking within counting down the seconds before he inevitably combusts.

But Keith doesn’t explode. Doesn’t go out with a bang, with shouts and screams and punches. He doesn’t even try to run.

Instead, he slowly crumbles to pieces. Piece by piece, to the floor.

A choked sob escapes his lips, and he slides to the floor in a heap of hiccuped sobs and bruised limbs. A _complete_ wreck.

If I’d have thought that my heart had been broken before, I was wrong. _This_ was the moment my heart broke. Seeing such a fearless, strong warrior, a man who was always _pushing_. A man who pushed against the oncoming riptides, pushed against hurricanes and any other obstacle that life threw in his way. He was a _fighter._ To see such a man collapse into a weak heap on the floor, eyes devoid of hope, without the strength to even lift his head off the ground, was absolutely devastating.

Just as Lotor had been sucking the quintessence out of those poor Alteans, Shiro had sucked all hope out of Keith.

And that _was_ what Shiro had given Keith. While Keith had given Shiro the push forwards, had given him the gift of life after risking himself so many times to save him, Shiro had given Keith hope. Hope of being loved, hope of things getting _better._

In just one action, one petty game of truth or dare, he had stolen it back again.

And so I sat with him. I let him rest his head upon my shoulder, I let him use me to support his own body, as he cried, and cried, and cried, until his voice grew hoarse and he was so exhausted all he could do was lean against my shoulder and stare at the wall before him, eyes complete voids of all emotion and colour. 

That night I’d taken him back to my room, to sleep. I’d cradled him in as many blankets and pillows as I could find, and sat on the floor, leant against the bed and watching over him, as though _I_ could defend him from any terrors the night may bring. 

If only I could also defend him from himself.

-

The war had gotten in the way of everything. It had gotten in the way of Shiro, of Keith, of Curtis, of me. It gave Keith time to focus on the greater good, to ignore himself and put others first. It wasn’t necessarily healthy, but it was better than letting the robots beat him in the training room.

At least on the battlefield, he had an excuse. 

However, when the war finished, and lives were lost, and everyone had that strange balance of disbelief, sadness and relief, I’d tried to seek him out again, but he’d moved planet, left earth completely to spend time with the blade and his mother.

It was the right thing to do. Especially when everyone else was happy and getting married, getting into new jobs.

Lance was married to Allura, Shiro got married to Curtis. Keith attended Lance and Allura’s wedding. Both him and I had sat outside during the party, both of us tired from all of the flamboyant decorations and loud music, a disastrous reminder that both Lance and Coran really _shouldn’t_ get together when planning a wedding. We were sat underneath a blanket of stars, drinking champagne from the bottle Keith had stolen from the table, bitching about the world with lived in, about how unfair life was that we couldn’t have who we loved. That Keith could no longer have Shiro.

I had never told Keith who I couldn’t have, but he may well have known the answer, for in a drunken mistake his hands had become locked in my hair and our lips were melded together, the taste of vanilla icing and champagne thick on our tongues.

We’d ended up back at my place, Keith in a heap on the floor with barely any clothes, a pounding headache and the stale taste of alcohol on his tongue, whilst I was still on the couch in only my dress-pants, a duller taste of the alcohol and something else.

History may well repeat itself, but it didn’t at Shiro’s wedding. Keith received an invite, even a request to be best man, but he had politely declined. He said he was busy on a mission with the blades, but he was ‘busy’ for Lance’s wedding, too, and somehow he still managed to get there. I guess the effort wasn’t worth it, just to see your ex-boyfriend marry someone who _isn't_ you.

The next time he visited was a week after Shiro’s first anniversary. He claimed he was visiting for Pidge’s birthday, but instead of attending her party with both newly wed couples (it was organised by both Lance and Hunk, whilst the poor girl would have rather just locked herself in her room with a whole cake to eat through, working on her robots), we’d both travelled down to the beach.

We’d sat before the ocean, feeling very much like we were on the edge of the earth, the cold breath of the winter breeze brushing through our hair, listening to the whisper, the hiss of the sea. It was as though we were standing on the edge of eternity, the abyss of greys and purples and everything we couldn’t reach stretching before us. 

And yet, Keith was contempt enough to reach for my hand, hold me close, and kiss me. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> Find me here!: https://petalsandpurity.tumblr.com/


End file.
